Love without Borders 

West Street is not very big, and everybody knows everybody. Whenever Alf and Mingfang go for a walk together along this street, Alf greets the other shopowners in Chinese. When they first started dating, they learned the other’s language from each other, and now, Mingfang’s English and Alf’s Chinese are both good. When asked if they ever plan to move to Australia, they say there is the long-term possibility, but it won’t happen any time soon. They feel that their current environment is ideal for raising a child, as Mingfang’s mother, a housekeeper, and all of Yangshuo love James and are nearby taking care of him. The environment is also beautiful, and the lifestyle is just easier in many ways. I asked Mingfang how their relationship was different before they married and now. Mingfang laughed and said, “before we got married, my husband was the only baby. After we married, I now have two babies to look after.”

Around the time that I interviewed them, they just so happened to have friends – also an international couple -- who were getting married. It was a very special occasion for Mingfang and Alf, and they had a ball getting dressed up to attend. In discussing their own wedding, Mingfang told me the story of how two years before they actually married, they had made all the preparations to get married, and in fact they were both in Guilin, the nearest large city, in order to register for the marriage license the next day. That evening, they fought over a small issue and both decided not to get married. Later, they came to regret this, as they still loved each other deeply. They waited another two years, and then finally, they got married.

In some cases, language can be a barrier to international marriages, but in the case of my husband and me, we definitely see it as a catalyst. When I came to China initially, my goal was to learn Chinese, and my husband happened to be a student at the university where I chose to study. He and his classmates served as tutors for my classmates and me. Long before I came to know the person I love and respect so much now, I remember clearly, the first time I saw him, we were all standing together in the same classroom waiting to get paired up for the semester.

Their son’s favorite pastime is playing in the water. Because of their proximity to the Lijiang River, one or both of them will take their son to the water’s edge almost every day. Alf even bought an innertube for their son, and he teaches James how to swim in the bathtub. When asked what language James’s first words are likely to be in, Mingfang was certain that they would be Chinese, because more of James’s time is spent with his mother and grandmother. In addition to English, Alf is also teaching James Spanish, and he jokes that this is so that later on, he and his son will have a language all their own to communicate in. Although James doesn’t talk yet, he already knows that when his parents are unhappy, he can always coo to cheer them up.

Both Alf and Mingfang say that after they had a child, they have learned a lot in the course of taking care of him. In their first year of marriage, they say, they would sometimes fight over small things, but now they have learned how to be more patient with each other, and there is more mutual respect and understanding.

One of the most recognizable people on West Street is an artist who paints portraits of passersby. Alf and Mingfang decided to have a family portrait painted by him so that after their son grew up, he could have one more good memory of Yangshuo. International couples in China are not bound by the one-child policy, and Alf and Mingfang say they would like to have another child. Mingfang, an only-child herself, said she feels only-children are prone to loneliness. When James turns three or so, they plan to send him to nearby Guilin for school, as the educational environment there is a little better, and James can formally learn both languages from the time he is young.

Mingfang said the time following James’s arrival was difficult for her, as James would often wake up crying in the middle of the night. It’s much better now, though. Alf also admits that as far as taking care of James goes, he doesn’t bear the same burden that Mingfang and her mother do. But now, no matter how late he gets home, he always gets up early to help with James’s preparations to go outside before he goes on resting up from the previous night.

Another circumstance unique to many international couples in China is the issue of transience. Especially in China, most people in international marriages speak at least two languages, and their careers are often at least indirectly related to international communication. These jobs, and sometimes just the sheer range of options available to these people in a global market, can sometimes mean moving fairly often. Because of this, many couples express doubt over where they will be living in the next five years, three years, or even six months. This carries with it the near inevitability that couples will always be far away from at least one side of the family and the roots that are there with them.

In almost every marriage, couples face the issue of acceptance into a new family. Most Chinese people, perhaps even more than average Westerners, really strive for the harmony that comes from the non-Chinese spouse being fully accepted into the family. But where there exist cultural or language differences between spouses, these differences are often magnified between generations in China, where society’s rapid change has produced each new generation with a value system and world view often significantly different from that of their parents.